I love him..

So last night Javier came home. I told him everything i had posted last time. Today i even went and got his papers for the counciling. But then i went to work.... work...ugh... and he is talking about fishing..stupid i know but i get mad. B/c in my head i'm like WTF U WANT TO GO FISHING AND WHAT THE FUCK ABOUT ME..I THOUGHT WE WE'RE TRYING TO GET BETTER?? Then i'm mad cuz then i start thinking he is flirting with Jess... then after the huge fight and drama...after he tells me that he is miserable working with me... i have a breakdown... (ok "having") b/c he is right. I do give him evil looks, constantly fight with him, get jealous and anger... all because i am insecure. What if my controlling, insecurities and jealousy have pushed him away from me, has made him look for drugs. What if this is all my fault? Why am i like this?? how do i change.

I just felt like a dumbass in that office telling him how much i loved him and hearing him ask me "why all we do is fight?" And i feel like that little girl in me is getting put down again, like i proved my point. I'm so shy telling my feelings b/c im afraid ppl are gonna put me down and it seems everytime i tell him i love him or want some kind of feedback he shuts me down... shuts me out. And that my friend is a cold fucking feeling. I wish i could tell him on the spot why i love him.... b/c there are many reasons.

I love him cause in my heart i know he has good intentions in everything he does....
I love him because he wants to be successful oneday...
I love him because there is just a feeling of knowing where i belong when i am with him, and lost without him.
I love him b/c of his silly ways, the things he says, the way he makes me laugh, the way he smiles at me, the way he looks at me, the way i can tell what he is feeling...
I love him b/c i know him.... b/c i know that he likes watching spongebob , george lopez, b/c he tries going on diets that never work, or b/c he likes getting his eyebrows waxed and can't stand his car dirty. I know he gets embaressed easy, and has problems expressing himself... i know he has good in his heart and maybe some bad habits but I STILL LOVE HIM.
I love him b/c when he puts his arms around me, or lays down at my side i feel like he is mine forever and that noone else can feel that.
I love him because of the way he fell in love with me, the way he fought so hard for my love and how even when we fought he would try to make it better..
I love him because he is funny... he is eager to learn.... and has no communication skills.
I love that I can feel out all his forms and pay his bills so that he has less stress.
I love him for a million and one reasons.... i just wish he would see that....

i just wish...oh god that i could get over my problems that i have within myself and that he too could get over his so we can love each other and show my son that he was a product of this great insurmountable love we once had for each other and that he is worry free or constantly feeling like it was his fault we couldn't work out...

Day 3 Completed but still a long road to recovery

I've managed to survive the 3rd day and I am back at home, although I haven't Seen Javier yet... i have however talked to him, after i found out that indeed the name on the lease on the house he was at was Andrea's Groomens. Pretty peeved we talked for about thirty minutes him telling me he needs me, that he needs my help, that he is gonna stop, then that he can't stop if he stays here... idk but i finally hung up with him (proudly i didnt put my heart too much into that seems to be the mistake)... but i do in my heart want to help him, its just gonna be a long road to recovery thats for sure... so i've been brainstorming some things i can do to help him... things i can put my foot down on... i have already texted him this:

"I would like you to come up with a solution to right every wrong you have done to me or my son and even yourself. Then I think you need to figure out what your going to do to get off that shit. If that's asking too much of you then we are gonna have to end this and maybe its better if you leave or I talk to my mom about move back for good. Think it through and let me know tonight. Remember I can only help you if your really willing to help yourself."

I think that is fair that he puts some thought into it too... although these are some things i have been thinking.
1. He needs to change his phone number and reset his phone.
2. I will check his phone maybe we need to go get him a contract off my name so i can also see what calls/texts are being made.
3.He is not sleeping all day-- he needs to go exercise or do something to feel good about himself. Plus i think staying up all night watching movies about drugs doesn't help much with his addiction.
4.He needs to see a councilor.
5. He will give me every damn cent he earns.
6. he needs to read a book or something on drugs
7. i think he should even enroll at a few classes at LCCC
8. We have till december on this lease and then in the meantime we will talk about moving out
9. I'll UA him.
10. If he fucks up once as in not coming home, or coming in late...i'm done.
11. I know he says he doesn't want to be treated like a kid but if i'm giving him the benefit of the doubt n he want my help he either takes it my way...or no way. Trust does not grow over night.



anyways now here are just a few goals i have been thinking about to.
1. Work on my own self problems with communication, anger, understanding, listening and forgiving.
2.Try to educate myself about Javier's addiction to better help him.
3.Help him off drugs
4. Get through this semester.
5. Get ready for baby

7:08 pm... FUCK

Ugh... so today i go to school and Karra introduces me to her friend Colt who then says something about ya Javier would always come over with Eric and Mandi and say you were mad @ him... grrrr Fuck him..... Then Alison came up to me.. told me not to trust that Colt kid... then she says....
"I think ur bf went off the deep end..... he came over Thursday asking Elizar for drugs."

REALLY SEE WHAT I FUCKING MEAN.... I AM ALWAYS FINDING OUT MORE AND MORE SHIT ABOUT HIM AND HONESTLY I AM JUST FED UP WITH IT. WHY SHOULD I FUCKING CARE WHAT HE IS DOING ANYMORE OR WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK.... what pisses me off too is I haven't heard one thing from him, i'm not even sure he deserves too be apart of mine or my Alanzito's life... so fuck him and the bullshit... why should i constantly be living to "find out" shit about him that just makes me in return feel stupid. Tommorow I will return to the house .... but there I will not stay by Thursday I will return my papers for section and soon i will be able to look back on this all.

2morrow is Alanzo && I's appointment... ke se chinge Javier...


Nikkeya

7:47-I Survived Yet Another Night

So I'm suprised... i made it another night over here at my mom's... but i've really been thinking a lot. You know I gave myself back the rights to my phone and found he had said nothing. I've been thinking a lot and i don't think we we'll ever be able to work things out this time... i really don't miss him as much as I thought. Yesterday when i went to the house to get some things i found all these things on the entertainment center... The movie "Blow" which is about a cocaine drug trade from cuba / colombia... and then these burnt disc with girls handwritting on it... it pretty much infuriated me and lately that's all i've felt for him. That anger has overcome the feeling where there was once love... not a life to live. So this is the letter i have decided to write to him, if he ever ask that we get back together.

Javier,
Life has thrown many things our way, and sadly i stuck by you through times where you were falling but i hadn't been aware of how it was impacting me. I feel that it is just as complicated staying together as it is seperating. Unfourtunately I don't think we will ever be able to settle our differences; Maybe we loved each other just a little too much. Maybe i gave my all into you without worrying about what I myself needed. As you saw towards the end it just got ugly; me calling you names, threatening you, hitting you, telling you that i wish i was with someone else. I was hurt and though that is no justification, it felt that you were always constantly hurting me with your drug use and always letting me down, the things i did were the only way i could defend myself or make you feel some what the hurt I was feeling.

I'm sorry for that just as much as I am sorry that we may never live the life I dreamed for us. Too many wrongs have been done BETWEEN THE BOTH OF US. The truth is words can be more hurtful than physical abuse. For I am the type to dwell on the things said to me; it circulates in my head and after the stuff said the second time around about your hate for my son, well I just can't, and won't let it go. Right now I can't find it to forgive you, although a few years from now i hope i can. My son has become my world, if it's just him and I the rest of my life, I will be content. Because you see with a child, your able to love them too much... your able to put in your two cents and expect them to listen, you have the right to teach them the things you want them to know... and truth be said I disagree with you. Don't feel sorry for my son because it has me as a mother, i have always learned to adapt to the things life throws at me. I know in my heart I will be a good mother, maybe crazy, or selfish whatever you may think but I will be a good mother in his eyes, and my whole life i think that is what i have always wanted , was to be perfect in someone's eyes, what better than that little boy.

Research says that with people who have been together for as long as we have that it may take up to two years before I am completely over you. I'm prepared for that. I know that I may never open my heart or love another man the way I love you. Love can't go away over night, maybe now it is shaddowed with anger but it is still there. When i think about all the times you made me happy or that I thought we'd be together forever. Two years to get over you seems reasonable but like i said I know in my heart i can do it. I'm thankful for the gift that god has brought upon us. I don't think I would want any other man's kid so this might be the only thing i have to live for is this little boy, and i'm glad that god has brought him in my life. Even now through this rough breakup, I don't go to bed at night alone and knowing that he's with me, and that soon he'll be here, its a relief, i just hope i can give him a better life than you or I ever had and that I can teach him the ways of a man and how to love someone without putting too much of his heart into it, so he doesn't make the same mistakes as I.

Nikkeya West

[I'm not too sure i will give this too him, what do u think?]

DAY 2

Hmm.. I have finally managed my first day without him... i'm gonna go to the house today and pick up some shit... i think yesterday was harder to accept the fact that i needed to leave him... detoxic ...first day hard but now the emotional shit is hitting and hopefully i can just get through one more day. I guess my mom talked to him and shit and i feel bad for him, but this can't be like everyother time, where he cries and says its gonna work, i honestly feel sick of that.

I don't know what its like to be addicted to a drug, but i do know there is a way to avoid it... i guess he told my mom he needs to get out of here but idk... i think i've honestly reached a point where maybe it is too much fighting all the time...maybe we aren't good for each other-- maybe we are... but whichever it is can't be a decision made over night... i need to see something b/c after the harsh things he said the other day, my mind just can't do it... can't forgive him and no forgiveness...no trust = no relationship.

Anyways i went to church this morning and hopefully i can keep finding stuff to occupy myself the rest of the day...

Just in a thinking mode for now..

Not Even a Day

God damn it... not even 3 hours into this ditox shit and i'm already going crazy... even messed up and checked my phone;
All though there was nothing...
If anything is gonna keep me sane it has to be this blog. I have to keep on fighting...
Things just keep running through my head... our fight at the house... him shoving me... throwing shit at me... the anger look in his eyes.... the stuff he was telling me about being a slut and a whore.... i got to be strong... i can be strong
I checked my phone and nothing... neither him or his mother have texted me.... i wonder how his conversation with chano went... i wonder if i'm gonna be able to manage these next few days... i am so lost for words.... diosito ayudame porfavor....