I love him..

So last night Javier came home. I told him everything i had posted last time. Today i even went and got his papers for the counciling. But then i went to work.... work...ugh... and he is talking about fishing..stupid i know but i get mad. B/c in my head i'm like WTF U WANT TO GO FISHING AND WHAT THE FUCK ABOUT ME..I THOUGHT WE WE'RE TRYING TO GET BETTER?? Then i'm mad cuz then i start thinking he is flirting with Jess... then after the huge fight and drama...after he tells me that he is miserable working with me... i have a breakdown... (ok "having") b/c he is right. I do give him evil looks, constantly fight with him, get jealous and anger... all because i am insecure. What if my controlling, insecurities and jealousy have pushed him away from me, has made him look for drugs. What if this is all my fault? Why am i like this?? how do i change.

I just felt like a dumbass in that office telling him how much i loved him and hearing him ask me "why all we do is fight?" And i feel like that little girl in me is getting put down again, like i proved my point. I'm so shy telling my feelings b/c im afraid ppl are gonna put me down and it seems everytime i tell him i love him or want some kind of feedback he shuts me down... shuts me out. And that my friend is a cold fucking feeling. I wish i could tell him on the spot why i love him.... b/c there are many reasons.

I love him cause in my heart i know he has good intentions in everything he does....
I love him because he wants to be successful oneday...
I love him because there is just a feeling of knowing where i belong when i am with him, and lost without him.
I love him b/c of his silly ways, the things he says, the way he makes me laugh, the way he smiles at me, the way he looks at me, the way i can tell what he is feeling...
I love him b/c i know him.... b/c i know that he likes watching spongebob , george lopez, b/c he tries going on diets that never work, or b/c he likes getting his eyebrows waxed and can't stand his car dirty. I know he gets embaressed easy, and has problems expressing himself... i know he has good in his heart and maybe some bad habits but I STILL LOVE HIM.
I love him b/c when he puts his arms around me, or lays down at my side i feel like he is mine forever and that noone else can feel that.
I love him because of the way he fell in love with me, the way he fought so hard for my love and how even when we fought he would try to make it better..
I love him because he is funny... he is eager to learn.... and has no communication skills.
I love that I can feel out all his forms and pay his bills so that he has less stress.
I love him for a million and one reasons.... i just wish he would see that....

i just wish...oh god that i could get over my problems that i have within myself and that he too could get over his so we can love each other and show my son that he was a product of this great insurmountable love we once had for each other and that he is worry free or constantly feeling like it was his fault we couldn't work out...