7:08 pm... FUCK

Ugh... so today i go to school and Karra introduces me to her friend Colt who then says something about ya Javier would always come over with Eric and Mandi and say you were mad @ him... grrrr Fuck him..... Then Alison came up to me.. told me not to trust that Colt kid... then she says....
"I think ur bf went off the deep end..... he came over Thursday asking Elizar for drugs."

REALLY SEE WHAT I FUCKING MEAN.... I AM ALWAYS FINDING OUT MORE AND MORE SHIT ABOUT HIM AND HONESTLY I AM JUST FED UP WITH IT. WHY SHOULD I FUCKING CARE WHAT HE IS DOING ANYMORE OR WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK.... what pisses me off too is I haven't heard one thing from him, i'm not even sure he deserves too be apart of mine or my Alanzito's life... so fuck him and the bullshit... why should i constantly be living to "find out" shit about him that just makes me in return feel stupid. Tommorow I will return to the house .... but there I will not stay by Thursday I will return my papers for section and soon i will be able to look back on this all.

2morrow is Alanzo && I's appointment... ke se chinge Javier...


Nikkeya

7:47-I Survived Yet Another Night

So I'm suprised... i made it another night over here at my mom's... but i've really been thinking a lot. You know I gave myself back the rights to my phone and found he had said nothing. I've been thinking a lot and i don't think we we'll ever be able to work things out this time... i really don't miss him as much as I thought. Yesterday when i went to the house to get some things i found all these things on the entertainment center... The movie "Blow" which is about a cocaine drug trade from cuba / colombia... and then these burnt disc with girls handwritting on it... it pretty much infuriated me and lately that's all i've felt for him. That anger has overcome the feeling where there was once love... not a life to live. So this is the letter i have decided to write to him, if he ever ask that we get back together.

Javier,
Life has thrown many things our way, and sadly i stuck by you through times where you were falling but i hadn't been aware of how it was impacting me. I feel that it is just as complicated staying together as it is seperating. Unfourtunately I don't think we will ever be able to settle our differences; Maybe we loved each other just a little too much. Maybe i gave my all into you without worrying about what I myself needed. As you saw towards the end it just got ugly; me calling you names, threatening you, hitting you, telling you that i wish i was with someone else. I was hurt and though that is no justification, it felt that you were always constantly hurting me with your drug use and always letting me down, the things i did were the only way i could defend myself or make you feel some what the hurt I was feeling.

I'm sorry for that just as much as I am sorry that we may never live the life I dreamed for us. Too many wrongs have been done BETWEEN THE BOTH OF US. The truth is words can be more hurtful than physical abuse. For I am the type to dwell on the things said to me; it circulates in my head and after the stuff said the second time around about your hate for my son, well I just can't, and won't let it go. Right now I can't find it to forgive you, although a few years from now i hope i can. My son has become my world, if it's just him and I the rest of my life, I will be content. Because you see with a child, your able to love them too much... your able to put in your two cents and expect them to listen, you have the right to teach them the things you want them to know... and truth be said I disagree with you. Don't feel sorry for my son because it has me as a mother, i have always learned to adapt to the things life throws at me. I know in my heart I will be a good mother, maybe crazy, or selfish whatever you may think but I will be a good mother in his eyes, and my whole life i think that is what i have always wanted , was to be perfect in someone's eyes, what better than that little boy.

Research says that with people who have been together for as long as we have that it may take up to two years before I am completely over you. I'm prepared for that. I know that I may never open my heart or love another man the way I love you. Love can't go away over night, maybe now it is shaddowed with anger but it is still there. When i think about all the times you made me happy or that I thought we'd be together forever. Two years to get over you seems reasonable but like i said I know in my heart i can do it. I'm thankful for the gift that god has brought upon us. I don't think I would want any other man's kid so this might be the only thing i have to live for is this little boy, and i'm glad that god has brought him in my life. Even now through this rough breakup, I don't go to bed at night alone and knowing that he's with me, and that soon he'll be here, its a relief, i just hope i can give him a better life than you or I ever had and that I can teach him the ways of a man and how to love someone without putting too much of his heart into it, so he doesn't make the same mistakes as I.

Nikkeya West

[I'm not too sure i will give this too him, what do u think?]

DAY 2

Hmm.. I have finally managed my first day without him... i'm gonna go to the house today and pick up some shit... i think yesterday was harder to accept the fact that i needed to leave him... detoxic ...first day hard but now the emotional shit is hitting and hopefully i can just get through one more day. I guess my mom talked to him and shit and i feel bad for him, but this can't be like everyother time, where he cries and says its gonna work, i honestly feel sick of that.

I don't know what its like to be addicted to a drug, but i do know there is a way to avoid it... i guess he told my mom he needs to get out of here but idk... i think i've honestly reached a point where maybe it is too much fighting all the time...maybe we aren't good for each other-- maybe we are... but whichever it is can't be a decision made over night... i need to see something b/c after the harsh things he said the other day, my mind just can't do it... can't forgive him and no forgiveness...no trust = no relationship.

Anyways i went to church this morning and hopefully i can keep finding stuff to occupy myself the rest of the day...

Just in a thinking mode for now..

Not Even a Day

God damn it... not even 3 hours into this ditox shit and i'm already going crazy... even messed up and checked my phone;
All though there was nothing...
If anything is gonna keep me sane it has to be this blog. I have to keep on fighting...
Things just keep running through my head... our fight at the house... him shoving me... throwing shit at me... the anger look in his eyes.... the stuff he was telling me about being a slut and a whore.... i got to be strong... i can be strong
I checked my phone and nothing... neither him or his mother have texted me.... i wonder how his conversation with chano went... i wonder if i'm gonna be able to manage these next few days... i am so lost for words.... diosito ayudame porfavor....